One step at a time

I finished my last post on this note: "I end this year on a very positive impression, impression of growth, of beauty, of pleasure, of contentment, of friendship and love, of discovery... Thank you Life" Today I feel like I have a million reasons more to thank life, or may be rather one reason. I started 2018 on a good feeling, sensing that the year will be a turning point, but I never quite saw the changes that May brought my way. They say that love surprises you when you least expect it and I always thought how cliché and cheesy, but I can only concur. I have stepped into the most cliché and cheesiest world on May 5th and I am loving every second of it, even on the moments when it scares me. Yes it is a whirlwind of feelings that takes your breath away.  I wanted to write this post to find an outlet to all the feelings I have been experiencing but I find myself short of words, like the words don't do them justice. It is so unreal that someone can spin your world com...

As we enter the last few days of 2017, there are usually two things entering our minds: how time flew by so quickly and looking back on what the year brought. I am no exception. I find it hard to believe that yet another year is coming to a close already, it feels like yesterday that it just started with the preparation of my 40th birthday party. As I am home surrounded only by fur-babies, when most people are busy getting together with family and loved one, it gives me time to reflect and look back. Yes the year has flown by in what feels like a blink, but at the same time, it was a pretty full year. I kicked it off by gathering friends to celebrate my 40th birthday. It wasn't so much about the age than it was an excuse to assemble around me people I care about and who showed me it was reciprocal by taking the time to be there for my "crazy cat lady purple tea party". Friends from long ago and from more recent times came from near and far and it confirmed what I know ...

I like the feature from Facebook "On this day...", it usually brings a smile to my face as it brings back memories. However today it brought more of a bitter sweet one. Here I was, a year ago, in the City of Lights for work and intent on having a fun night with a friend with some live music. Indeed we had a fun night, the jazz dinner turned into an all nighter around Paris and it was fun, the kind of spontaneous fun that comes from unplanned activities and good company, complete with laughter and walk back to the hotel in the wee hours of the morning. Hard to believe that the next day would be such a dramatic one, hard to believe that the tragic events in Paris would enfold a few hours from all our fun and innocence and pretty much in the same parts of town we were that night. I have not been directly affected by the Paris shootings. I was driving between Luxembourg and Paris at the time and was unaware, until the phone call from a close friend asking if I was safe...

Here I am on the eve of my first real holiday in 4 years, the eve of being away in a strange city on my own for 12 days. Yes I have a friend in that city and I look forward to catching up with her after many years. But she has her new life to sort out and her children and husband. So I am on the eve of being by myself for 12 days, the longest I have ever done that. I am looking forward to relaxing, catching up on my reading and resting. God knows I need it... But I am also anxious... When was the last time I confronted myself. Probably never or I can't remember it. How often do most of us confront ourselves anyway in the kind of fast-paced, ever connected lives we now live?  What do I expect from this time away? Rest, yes for sure. No alarm for this time away, no schedule, no plans, explore the city if I feel like it, read, watch some movies, day-dream... Relaxation, yes, looking forward to introducing some new routines to my live... Distance from conflicting and confusi...

"I will provide a safe harbour... You need a place to not be decisive and set agendas and rise to the level of accomplishments the world has come to expect of you. You need a place to fall apart. I will be that place" This was a few weeks ago in the latest Grey's Anatomy finale and it has resonated in the back of my mind since. It somehow put into words what I have been feeling for a while. It comes on the back of difficult few, many rather, months and a growing exhaustion. A feeling of crumbling down from the inside out. That the strength to hold it all together has disappeared. Of crawling into a hole and forget everything. Yet that nagging feeling that this won't solve anything and will only make the pile of shit bigger by the time you crawl out of the hole. So constantly wavering between letting myself crumble for a bit, allowing myself to feel weak and keeping it all together because I worry it will only make matters worse.

More than a year has passed since my last post... Time just flies, there is work, there is life together, there are less times when you are alone with your thoughts. Less me time, so you write less... You also have less of a need to write. I write again now as I am alone at home for once, as she travels for work. I miss her but yet I enjoy having the house to myself. It gives me time to think. And thinking is something I've been doing a lot recently since I started this entrepreneurship course. It seems to have gotten my brain working again. It seems to have gotten me excited again. My mind is buzzing with thoughts for the future and wondering how to manage it all. There are different plans that we have, that I have. A place of our own is one. A business of my own is another. How to reconcile them both? Money is the crucial point. If you're starting up a business, you are not saving to buy a place. But if you are saving to buy that place, you put your business on hold and might...

This picture says it all I think about how we are. It's now more than 4 months that she moved and after the initial strangeness, we have fully adjusted to each other again. It is a pleasure each day to be together. It is comfortable. We are confident in our couple and our life and our future. Sweet Fairy, I love you.

In about 10 hours, my fairy will be landing in Geneva to make a life here. How crazy is this? How nice is this? It's such a strange mix of emotions, excitement, worry, happiness, anxiousness, hope, fear, confidence, doubt... In reaction to her stress, I have been feeling a roller-coaster of emotions the past few days. I've known moment of pure joy filled with impatience, feeling like am floating 50cm above the ground. But also moments of extreme worry about her reactions. Will we pick up just as before? Will we be different? Different is not necessarily a bad thing if the love and attraction are still there. Oh well, there is no point speculating, I can only wait and see. I'll be trying to catch some sleep and I'll keep faith that all that we've felt and lived before was so real, that things can only be good tomorrow and the day after, and the week after and the month to follow and so on... There is no formulo or method. You only learn to love by loving.

How do you deal with unfairness? Is it worth arguing your case and receiving more annoyance and more unfair comments and reactions? Or is being the bigger person letting go and accept so you can move on? How do you understand that people react in such opposite ways to the same situation? Why do some people take their stress at their loved ones? Is it because it's easier, because they love you and they'll accept and forgive? Yes indeed they'll forgive, but they would have been hurt in the process and it will leave a little scar, a small dent in their unconditional love.

The count down to life in duo is accelerating now. In 3 weeks today, she'll be on a plane to join me. In 3 weeks, I'll be spending my last night alone with my cats. It is a surreal feeling. I have been looking forward to being together so long and so hard, it seems almost unreal that it's now "tomorrow". 3 weeks is nothing, specially now that my work has become a lot more busy, the weeks pass by without me realising it. Am I worried about it? Do I have doubts or fears? Although I think that the initial adaption will be a stressful time, I have no fears, no worries nor doubts. I have confidence that our connection is so strong that it will carry us through the change and the hard times. I am not too sure what to write, there is not so much on my mind. I am just waiting for her arrival and seeing it as a bonus in my life, which has already taken a much better turn in 2007. So having a special someone to share your life is just the extra toppings on your ice cream ...

How do you show a dear friend that you care and that you are there for him/her through a tough time? When you are near her, you can always just give a pat on the shoulder, a pression of the hand or a hug. It is usually enough to convey the message. Now when you are miles apart, what is the best way? With the distance, it is shown through words. So when are words too much? When do the words suffocate the person rather than support her? Can you just assume that the person knows that she can turn to you? Should you feel excluded if she doesn't? Is it being insecure to probe the situation or is it just to establish that the rough time doesn't have its source in your relationship and hence to free your own mind to be fully available to support the person? I guess you also need to realise that there are some things that a person needs to go through alone, you cannot always help someone or spare her the hard times. Now when you, by nature, are like a Saint-Bernard, always wanting to ...

Contentment : happiness with one's situation in life Content : satisfied with what one is or has, not wanting more or anything else, quietly happy Are we ever trully contented? Can we really be quietly happy? I started to wonder this today as I was anxiously waiting to chat with my fairy. I was feeling like we hadn't talked in a while (although we do talk each day for various length of time - from 1 minute or 2 to a whole hour or more). I was feeling like I needed more of her time. And she commented that it was a rather needy behaviour, which I agree but somehow couldn't quite help myself. So it raised the question in my head: are we ever really content? I would have answered that we can be trully happy yes. But as the definition of contentment shows, if we are never content, then we are never really happy. But I tend to disagree with that. Because at this point in my life, if I am asked whether I am happy, I honestly reply that I am. Yet I do feel I miss her a lot so, alth...

I am back home now and alone in my flat. It feels rather empty after her visit. It was such a pleasure to integrate her to my daily life. It was comfortable, but then again we are comfortable anywhere together. She's left personal stuff behind and it makes it tangible that she'll be back. There is such excitement and trepidation to the prospect of her moving here. Yet at the same time, there is some anxiety, from one day to the next, we will have taken a leap into a couple life. The geography of our situation makes it even more a giant step, it's a lot more than just moving in, it is a major change, more so for her than for me. I am blown away that her love is so strong that she'll make this radical adjustment to her life to give us a chance to chase all those dreams we've nourished. I can't wait for her arrival but yet I need to make the most of the time till then to prepare for it. I need to make sure I can support her in that move like I promised I would. Thi...

2007 has started much better than 2006. I started my 2006 with anguish thanks to the stupid actions of my ex. 2006 was rough and had many changes. I started 2007 with a kiss from the one I love and 2 weeks in her company. 2007 will also have its share of changes but they won't be as tough or painful as last year's. It will be a year of positive changes and long awaited improvements to my life. I am looking forward to it and I can't wait for some of these improvements to take place already, yet I am happy to savour each day at a time. I am happy with my life the way it is now and the direction it takes. I have spent the festive season in Singapore. And yes I miss this place and the lifestyle we enjoy here. It was strange to be here now as a tourist when it's a place I lived and worked in for 6 years. You feel a bit of an outsider. But I had such pleasure catching up with old friends. It was also delightful to pick up my daily life with my fairy. We're so comfortable ...

On my way home tonight, I looked up at the sky and I was amazed at the beauty of this winter cloudless sky with so many stars that you could clearly see. It made me smile because I thought how very little sometimes is enough to bring some joy. Just the stars in the sky was enough for tonight. Another example of simple joy is this "Free Hugs" event that happened here in Geneva this afternoon for the first time. For some background info on this, check this link on Geneva Online, this one on Wikipedia or google free hugs. This may sound like a silly thing to do, try to give strangers a hug, but it's a very interesting human experience. I didn't have time to be a hugger, as I couldn't spend 2 hours with the Geneva Online team doing it, but I made a point to find 15 minutes to go and witness this. Just observing the various reactions and faces of the passer-bys was just priceless. It ranged from enthusiasm, to indiference, to annoyance to a simple smile. It was such...

Time passes us by quickly if we don't pay attention. 4 months since I last wrote, nearly 6 years since I left Geneva, more than 8 months of happiness, 10 weeks till my next holiday, 30 years in a few months, 13 weeks since I've returned to my hometown, 26 years of friendship, almost 3 weeks since our last kiss... life is full of different ways to measure the passing of time. The point is that time never stops, that each opportunity let pass is lost and will not come back. Is it this realisation that has allowed me to finally feel genuinely and deeply happy? Life hasn't been easier recently than in the past one or two years but yet it doesn't bring me down anymore. I can look at obstacles and down times with a peacefull smile on my face, because I know that happiness takes its source from inside, not from external factors. It grows however with the energy of positive experiences and sentiments. My biggest source of energy is my relationship with my sweet fairy. With the ...

I am as bad at keeping a blog as I am at keeping a diary. There are always big gaps in it... Anyway it feels like an eternity since I last wrote and I feel very different. I was so hurt and bitter then. Now it's not that life has majorly improved... No I am still as broke and I am still dealing with the hurt of being assaulted and I am still waiting for my working situation to get clear... So yeah life hasn't improved much... However I am genuinely happy in my relationship and it seems to put a pink layer on everything. The funniest thing is that I can't explain with words why I am so happy. It just is... It is obvious... Like we've recently spent a long weekend away and I was so delighted that we didn't argue once. But to her it was normal. To me I had forgotten that it should be like that. The past had taught me that time away with the other person would be stressfull... Now I realise that this was wrong. Time away with the other person should be a delight... Tim...

I am now entering my 3rd week out of a job and fears are getting more and more of a handle on me. I have gone through a lot of anger, I felt that I have been backstabbed by someone calling herself a friend till the last day of our collaboration and who now has turned around 180 degrees. Although I know that I should not let it get a hold on me, but the cut is so deep. It triggers anger with the person but also anger with myself for having been so naive and for letting it affecting me so much now. It also makes me want to hit back just as hard, which is petty and will not get me anywhere, but it just feels unfair that I can be hurt so much. It is giving the person the power. The cut is so deep that just writing this has tears running down my face. After the anger comes the fears. What if people actually believe the person, what if I loose my credibility and the support that I need? What if the person gets even nastier? The fears are mostly irrational yet they are paralysing. It becomes ...

I have just accomplished my first task in my list of to-do. I was granted a 1 month extension to my social visit pass. It was a smooth process and I am taking it as a good sign for the future. May be my ep process will be as smooth. The past few weeks have been quite intense. I found myself taking the plunge into the entrepreneur world. This time it's for real. Will I make it? Yes I will. Will I struggle? probably. Will I enjoy it? certainly. I will grow and learn from it. Will I find myself in the process? I hope so. The hardest battle to win is the one against self doubt. If you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Learning to overcome the fear or to ignore it at least is crucial to self-growth. Accept yourself for the good and change the bad, but the bad you see, not the one others see. You have to be at peace with yourself. If you are, then the rest of the world will be fine. People that matter will stay with you and the ones who don't then who cares. You can't p...

It is amazing how comforting it is to be surrounded by friends on special occasions. Above are some pictures of my birthday party.