Saturday, November 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The point is that time never stops, that each opportunity let pass is lost and will not come back. Is it this realisation that has allowed me to finally feel genuinely and deeply happy? Life hasn't been easier recently than in the past one or two years but yet it doesn't bring me down anymore. I can look at obstacles and down times with a peacefull smile on my face, because I know that happiness takes its source from inside, not from external factors. It grows however with the energy of positive experiences and sentiments.
My biggest source of energy is my relationship with my sweet fairy. With the months passing, we have reached a level of connection I had no idea existed. It is not only connection through common interests, or physical chemistry, it's through a likeness of the mind, an innate understanding of each other, an unconditional acceptance of the other in its integrity. She has shown me how love is actually selfless, love is actually seeing that there is not only one way to express it, love challenges all your beliefs, because conceptions are meant to evolve, the only constant is the subject of your love and the love itself. It is the force that shapes the relationship, its rules, what is allowed and what's not. And this is unique to each relationship.
Anyway, it is pointless to try to describe how genuine happiness and authentic love feels like. It is a very personal experience and it surely expresses itself differently for each individual. Even within a couple. The way I experience it is not the way she does. But what we share is the knowldege that we are connected and in tune. This is strong enough to withstand the trials that will be in our way, whether they are out of our control (like our geography) or in our control (intruders that we allow in). When you reach genuine happiness within yourself and have an energy source as powerfull as true love, then there is a certainty that life will work out for the best. There is an acceptance that that best might not involve the loved one for ever, but there is also an immense faith that it will. But it allows you to view the presence of the loved one in your life as a bonus, the ice cream on your brownie and not the brownie itself. You will be happy by yourself, just happier with that someone to share your life with.
Sweet fairy, once again I talk about you, but if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have reached that peacefull state of mind. Thank you. This picture you have taken illustrates how happiness comes from within and radiates out.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Anyway it feels like an eternity since I last wrote and I feel very different. I was so hurt and bitter then. Now it's not that life has majorly improved... No I am still as broke and I am still dealing with the hurt of being assaulted and I am still waiting for my working situation to get clear... So yeah life hasn't improved much... However I am genuinely happy in my relationship and it seems to put a pink layer on everything. The funniest thing is that I can't explain with words why I am so happy. It just is... It is obvious...
Like we've recently spent a long weekend away and I was so delighted that we didn't argue once. But to her it was normal. To me I had forgotten that it should be like that. The past had taught me that time away with the other person would be stressfull... Now I realise that this was wrong. Time away with the other person should be a delight... Time to catch up on each other, time away from daily routine and stress...
My mum told me many times in the past that I wasn't really in love and I didn't understand. Now I do. In the past I used to say that I think this person is the one and that I want to try it out living with him. It was like a test or a challenging task that would succeed or fail. It wasn't obvious. Now I know I can see myself with that person for the rest of my life. I can see how it would be... Now I know it can work... The question mark is gone. Of course it doesn't mean that it is a given and that it will be for sure. Because you still have to work for it. But it means I understand what my mum meant. Yes I am trully in love now, like I have never been before...
The paradox of it all is that the feelings are so strong and they are mutual yet the relationship feels like such a fragile balance... It is strong yet fragile, simple yet delicate, obvious yet challenging...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
After the anger comes the fears. What if people actually believe the person, what if I loose my credibility and the support that I need? What if the person gets even nastier? The fears are mostly irrational yet they are paralysing. It becomes easier to not do anything than to risk facing the fears. There is a certain comfort in saying we're afraid. It explains why we don't act. It's an easy excuse. I am still working on finding what breaks the circle of fears so action can take place. I am making slow progress, very slow I feel but yet progress. Part of the slow pace of progress are distractions.
In times of crisis, when we should face ourself, we so easily grasp at any distraction, may it be TV, social activities or simply day-dreaming. Distractions are comfortable, a lot more comfortable than facing ourself. It takes great moral strength to stare at oneself eye to eye and be honest about the reflection the mirror sends us. The distraction is also a way to pass time while expecting some intervention from outside to fix our problems. Ignore the problem and wait for someone else to take care of it or for something to happen that will change the situation.
Thankfully one aspect of my life is going very well. It brings a smile to my face and more importantly to my heart. It brings comfort and boosts my ego also. It gives me something to look forward to, it gives me some kind of goal, something to nurture and grow. I feel that this relationship has enourmous potential, I feel a connection beyond words. It's something that words can't explain, it is deeper than rational thinking. It feels right, it feels obvious, it feels strong. And interestingly distance has confirmed the strength.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The past few weeks have been quite intense. I found myself taking the plunge into the entrepreneur world. This time it's for real. Will I make it? Yes I will. Will I struggle? probably. Will I enjoy it? certainly. I will grow and learn from it. Will I find myself in the process? I hope so.
The hardest battle to win is the one against self doubt. If you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Learning to overcome the fear or to ignore it at least is crucial to self-growth. Accept yourself for the good and change the bad, but the bad you see, not the one others see. You have to be at peace with yourself. If you are, then the rest of the world will be fine. People that matter will stay with you and the ones who don't then who cares. You can't please every body, but you should please yourself.
To my friends who are following me on this journey, thank you for the bottom of my heart. Little fairy, all my love and my gratitude.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
It is puzzling how comfortable I am, shyness doesn't enter my mind and I openly kiss her in public places and act as I have done with my boyfriends. It is just simple, exciting and fun. She's highly attractive, she's a cheeky player, she's a reliable friend also, she's caring and attentionate. I guess if I had to categorise things, she acts more the man part of the couple or what ever we are. It is funny how we are both so scared to name us. We act like one at times, I guess we can say that we are dating, but we don't want to be called one. It seems to scare her particularly. I wonder at times if she is not scared of what feelings could grow out of this. I guess I do too, I can picture myself falling for her like I would for a guy and getting attached. But then I remind myself that I should just embrace the moment and take it one day at a time. If nothing else, what we have are moments of laughter, tenderness, fun and simply put happiness. We should live more for the moment and the now, so this is what we have: moments of happiness added to each other. A smile is one, a kiss another one, a look yet another one.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
This time might be the right one. 2006 is off to a fresh start. I have just moved in in my new apartment that I am sharing with Su. This is a very nice place, huge. I also get a very good feeling about sharing with Su. I don't know her that much but I feel good vibes and a very comfortable feeling around her. She's one of those true friends who can be extremely blunt to you but at the same, accept you for who you are 100%. No judgment, no fake smiles, just genuine friendship.
I have also moved on from my 6 years + relationship. I am not bitter or angry about it, I just feel that it has run its course and now I want to move on. I just wish he would understand it that way too, but then there is always one person who hangs on. I hope time will heal his heart.
Moving on has taken me into the arms of a beautfifull Asian fairy. There again, who would have thought... She is this fun, gorgeous, acquarian girl, miles away from what I am and yet so attractive to me. It's not that I have changed my orientation and am now checking out women. Somehow she is the only one I see that way. May be it goes to proove that there is a reason we meet certain people in our life. There is a purpose to paths crossing. The challenge now is to make it meaningfull while keeping it simple and enjoyable.