Saturday, September 12, 2015

12 days long blank page

Here I am on the eve of my first real holiday in 4 years, the eve of being away in a strange city on my own for 12 days. Yes I have a friend in that city and I look forward to catching up with her after many years. But she has her new life to sort out and her children and husband. So I am on the eve of being by myself for 12 days, the longest I have ever done that. I am looking forward to relaxing, catching up on my reading and resting. God knows I need it... But I am also anxious... When was the last time I confronted myself. Probably never or I can't remember it. How often do most of us confront ourselves anyway in the kind of fast-paced, ever connected lives we now live? 
What do I expect from this time away? Rest, yes for sure. No alarm for this time away, no schedule, no plans, explore the city if I feel like it, read, watch some movies, day-dream... Relaxation, yes, looking forward to introducing some new routines to my live... Distance from conflicting and confusing emotions I have been experiencing with regards to a particularly unclear relationship... Renewed energy and motivation for my business, so I can get it out of the current rut it is in and take it forward...
Yes, i do expect all this and I am looking forward to it, but I am also dreading the loneliness, the solitude. I have been feeling lonely for a while now and I crave the sharing of discussions, emotions, affection, tenderness, sex, laughter, and all that makes a relationship. Sharing with someone who you care for and who cares for you. Felling like you matter to someone else than yourself, that someone makes a difference in your life and you make a difference in theirs. Knowing that you'd be missed if you disappeared...

"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to"

The Story, Brandi Carlile

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Safe harbour...

"I will provide a safe harbour... You need a place to not be decisive and set agendas and rise to the level of accomplishments the world has come to expect of you. You need a place to fall apart. I will be that place"
This was a few weeks ago in the latest Grey's Anatomy finale and it has resonated in the back of my mind since. It somehow put into words what I have been feeling for a while. It comes on the back of difficult few, many rather, months and a growing exhaustion. A feeling of crumbling down from the inside out. That the strength to hold it all together has disappeared. Of crawling into a hole and forget everything. Yet that nagging feeling that this won't solve anything and will only make the pile of shit bigger by the time you crawl out of the hole. So constantly wavering between letting myself crumble for a bit, allowing myself to feel weak and keeping it all together because I worry it will only make matters worse.