Sunday, March 19, 2006

Of anger, fears, distractions and hapiness

I am now entering my 3rd week out of a job and fears are getting more and more of a handle on me. I have gone through a lot of anger, I felt that I have been backstabbed by someone calling herself a friend till the last day of our collaboration and who now has turned around 180 degrees. Although I know that I should not let it get a hold on me, but the cut is so deep. It triggers anger with the person but also anger with myself for having been so naive and for letting it affecting me so much now. It also makes me want to hit back just as hard, which is petty and will not get me anywhere, but it just feels unfair that I can be hurt so much. It is giving the person the power. The cut is so deep that just writing this has tears running down my face.

After the anger comes the fears. What if people actually believe the person, what if I loose my credibility and the support that I need? What if the person gets even nastier? The fears are mostly irrational yet they are paralysing. It becomes easier to not do anything than to risk facing the fears. There is a certain comfort in saying we're afraid. It explains why we don't act. It's an easy excuse. I am still working on finding what breaks the circle of fears so action can take place. I am making slow progress, very slow I feel but yet progress. Part of the slow pace of progress are distractions.

In times of crisis, when we should face ourself, we so easily grasp at any distraction, may it be TV, social activities or simply day-dreaming. Distractions are comfortable, a lot more comfortable than facing ourself. It takes great moral strength to stare at oneself eye to eye and be honest about the reflection the mirror sends us. The distraction is also a way to pass time while expecting some intervention from outside to fix our problems. Ignore the problem and wait for someone else to take care of it or for something to happen that will change the situation.

Thankfully one aspect of my life is going very well. It brings a smile to my face and more importantly to my heart. It brings comfort and boosts my ego also. It gives me something to look forward to, it gives me some kind of goal, something to nurture and grow. I feel that this relationship has enourmous potential, I feel a connection beyond words. It's something that words can't explain, it is deeper than rational thinking. It feels right, it feels obvious, it feels strong. And interestingly distance has confirmed the strength.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

first step...

I have just accomplished my first task in my list of to-do. I was granted a 1 month extension to my social visit pass. It was a smooth process and I am taking it as a good sign for the future. May be my ep process will be as smooth.

The past few weeks have been quite intense. I found myself taking the plunge into the entrepreneur world. This time it's for real. Will I make it? Yes I will. Will I struggle? probably. Will I enjoy it? certainly. I will grow and learn from it. Will I find myself in the process? I hope so.

The hardest battle to win is the one against self doubt. If you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Learning to overcome the fear or to ignore it at least is crucial to self-growth. Accept yourself for the good and change the bad, but the bad you see, not the one others see. You have to be at peace with yourself. If you are, then the rest of the world will be fine. People that matter will stay with you and the ones who don't then who cares. You can't please every body, but you should please yourself.

To my friends who are following me on this journey, thank you for the bottom of my heart. Little fairy, all my love and my gratitude.