2017: of grief, mourning, growing, friendships and photography
As we enter the last few days of 2017, there are usually two things entering our minds: how time flew by so quickly and looking back on what the year brought. I am no exception. I find it hard to believe that yet another year is coming to a close already, it feels like yesterday that it just started with the preparation of my 40th birthday party.
As I am home surrounded only by fur-babies, when most people are busy getting together with family and loved one, it gives me time to reflect and look back. Yes the year has flown by in what feels like a blink, but at the same time, it was a pretty full year.
I kicked it off by gathering friends to celebrate my 40th birthday. It wasn't so much about the age than it was an excuse to assemble around me people I care about and who showed me it was reciprocal by taking the time to be there for my "crazy cat lady purple tea party". Friends from long ago and from more recent times came from near and far and it confirmed what I know to be true, friendship transcends time and distance.
I then embarked on my first (partially) solo trip to Bali. This year has taught me to be more and more comfortable in my own company and to actually enjoy moments of loneliness. I never used to appreciate moments alone, I used to dread them. But I have learned now to tame loneliness, step by step, moments by moments, to the point where I look forward to quiet moments on my own.
By spring, 2017 looked like it would be a good year, the grey cloud of burn-out was slowly dissipating and the actual weather was pretty gorgeous. I started my Instagram (@Taramel77) then, as I was so often catching my breath at the beauty in nature with the beautiful weather. I wanted to capture this beauty but also share it. Nearly 300 posts and counting. Like a dearly departed friend would say: the situations don't change, it's only the way we look at them that does, like changing the angle of the camera. So it's about finding the angle that captures the beauty and letting that beauty infuse you.
As I thought that I was really turning the corner, life took the first of the 3 people that I would loose this year. My godfather passed away, in what felt a sudden way to me although he had been having heart issues for years. Yet it was a shock, he is the first to depart of my parents generation. It's like the reality of death suddenly hits you in the face. Not that we don't know death is real, but somehow I think we all feel like our parents will always be around. It raises a lot of questions about life, death and after, whether an after exists. It also makes you realize that as you are now 40, you have possibly reached or passed the halfway point of your life. This is yet another event that makes your change the angle of the camera that you point at life.
A few months later, I would find out that a friend was taken by a brain tumor, in his early 50s leaving behind his 3 children and his wife. It seems unfair, it seems senseless, it seems like a mistake and you battle all these feelings as part of your grief. It was at about the same time I found out that another friend's cancer had returned and that she would not resume chemotherapy. Her days were numbered but she was very wisely at peace with her situation and decided to make the most of the remaining time left to her. At the same time, she started preparing for her departure by sorting out papers, making decisions about her funeral and writing a last book. She kept her smile till the end as well as her amused look on our world. She left us end of November and has left my heart in pieces. She was a beautiful (inside and out), wise, funny, intelligent, loyal, generous and kind person.
These deaths have left my heart broken, but at the same time I feel like it has grown. Almost like it could only grow by being broken, as if it was only by breaking the shell that it could grow and build a new one. A few days away from 2018, I feel like through 2017 and it's challenges, I have come into my own. There has indeed been challenges and there will still be next year, but there has also been lots of new: new hair, new tattoo, new people, new friends, new confidence.
I feel like I have found a new voice, one that allows me to say my piece, my wishes and my needs. I have learned to be centered on myself and my real wants and needs. I have learned to say no to what I don't want and not feel like I am being mean to others. I have also learned to say thank you for lovely moments and to receive them like a gift. I am still learning to ask for what I want, but I know I want to learn. Being centered has allowed me to detach myself from others opinion and judgement. We have one life and no one lives it for us. So we must live it in a way that we can look back on it and don't have regrets for what could have been. Being centered on your needs and wants also allows you to be centered in time, centered in the present and not be constantly either projecting in the future or reminiscing the past. There is no time like the present. Fairly obvious point, repeated endlessly in songs, books, movies, motivational speeches... But I realize now that it is a point that only makes sense when you are ready. It's like suddenly opening your eyes and seeing... This new growth I feel, coming into my own, added to my natural tolerance has brought some very interesting exchanges and conversations into the night as it positioned me in a genuinely sharing approach. I have also developed and grown some amazing friendships this year.
Even with the sad times that came, I end this year on a very positive impression, impression of growth, of beauty, of pleasure, of contentment, of friendship and love, of discovery... Thank you Life
As I am home surrounded only by fur-babies, when most people are busy getting together with family and loved one, it gives me time to reflect and look back. Yes the year has flown by in what feels like a blink, but at the same time, it was a pretty full year.
I kicked it off by gathering friends to celebrate my 40th birthday. It wasn't so much about the age than it was an excuse to assemble around me people I care about and who showed me it was reciprocal by taking the time to be there for my "crazy cat lady purple tea party". Friends from long ago and from more recent times came from near and far and it confirmed what I know to be true, friendship transcends time and distance.
By spring, 2017 looked like it would be a good year, the grey cloud of burn-out was slowly dissipating and the actual weather was pretty gorgeous. I started my Instagram (@Taramel77) then, as I was so often catching my breath at the beauty in nature with the beautiful weather. I wanted to capture this beauty but also share it. Nearly 300 posts and counting. Like a dearly departed friend would say: the situations don't change, it's only the way we look at them that does, like changing the angle of the camera. So it's about finding the angle that captures the beauty and letting that beauty infuse you.
As I thought that I was really turning the corner, life took the first of the 3 people that I would loose this year. My godfather passed away, in what felt a sudden way to me although he had been having heart issues for years. Yet it was a shock, he is the first to depart of my parents generation. It's like the reality of death suddenly hits you in the face. Not that we don't know death is real, but somehow I think we all feel like our parents will always be around. It raises a lot of questions about life, death and after, whether an after exists. It also makes you realize that as you are now 40, you have possibly reached or passed the halfway point of your life. This is yet another event that makes your change the angle of the camera that you point at life.
A few months later, I would find out that a friend was taken by a brain tumor, in his early 50s leaving behind his 3 children and his wife. It seems unfair, it seems senseless, it seems like a mistake and you battle all these feelings as part of your grief. It was at about the same time I found out that another friend's cancer had returned and that she would not resume chemotherapy. Her days were numbered but she was very wisely at peace with her situation and decided to make the most of the remaining time left to her. At the same time, she started preparing for her departure by sorting out papers, making decisions about her funeral and writing a last book. She kept her smile till the end as well as her amused look on our world. She left us end of November and has left my heart in pieces. She was a beautiful (inside and out), wise, funny, intelligent, loyal, generous and kind person.
These deaths have left my heart broken, but at the same time I feel like it has grown. Almost like it could only grow by being broken, as if it was only by breaking the shell that it could grow and build a new one. A few days away from 2018, I feel like through 2017 and it's challenges, I have come into my own. There has indeed been challenges and there will still be next year, but there has also been lots of new: new hair, new tattoo, new people, new friends, new confidence.
Even with the sad times that came, I end this year on a very positive impression, impression of growth, of beauty, of pleasure, of contentment, of friendship and love, of discovery... Thank you Life
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