Saturday, September 12, 2015

12 days long blank page

Here I am on the eve of my first real holiday in 4 years, the eve of being away in a strange city on my own for 12 days. Yes I have a friend in that city and I look forward to catching up with her after many years. But she has her new life to sort out and her children and husband. So I am on the eve of being by myself for 12 days, the longest I have ever done that. I am looking forward to relaxing, catching up on my reading and resting. God knows I need it... But I am also anxious... When was the last time I confronted myself. Probably never or I can't remember it. How often do most of us confront ourselves anyway in the kind of fast-paced, ever connected lives we now live? 
What do I expect from this time away? Rest, yes for sure. No alarm for this time away, no schedule, no plans, explore the city if I feel like it, read, watch some movies, day-dream... Relaxation, yes, looking forward to introducing some new routines to my live... Distance from conflicting and confusing emotions I have been experiencing with regards to a particularly unclear relationship... Renewed energy and motivation for my business, so I can get it out of the current rut it is in and take it forward...
Yes, i do expect all this and I am looking forward to it, but I am also dreading the loneliness, the solitude. I have been feeling lonely for a while now and I crave the sharing of discussions, emotions, affection, tenderness, sex, laughter, and all that makes a relationship. Sharing with someone who you care for and who cares for you. Felling like you matter to someone else than yourself, that someone makes a difference in your life and you make a difference in theirs. Knowing that you'd be missed if you disappeared...

"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to"

The Story, Brandi Carlile