Friday, June 09, 2006

The paradox

I am as bad at keeping a blog as I am at keeping a diary. There are always big gaps in it...

Anyway it feels like an eternity since I last wrote and I feel very different. I was so hurt and bitter then. Now it's not that life has majorly improved... No I am still as broke and I am still dealing with the hurt of being assaulted and I am still waiting for my working situation to get clear... So yeah life hasn't improved much... However I am genuinely happy in my relationship and it seems to put a pink layer on everything. The funniest thing is that I can't explain with words why I am so happy. It just is... It is obvious...
Like we've recently spent a long weekend away and I was so delighted that we didn't argue once. But to her it was normal. To me I had forgotten that it should be like that. The past had taught me that time away with the other person would be stressfull... Now I realise that this was wrong. Time away with the other person should be a delight... Time to catch up on each other, time away from daily routine and stress...
My mum told me many times in the past that I wasn't really in love and I didn't understand. Now I do. In the past I used to say that I think this person is the one and that I want to try it out living with him. It was like a test or a challenging task that would succeed or fail. It wasn't obvious. Now I know I can see myself with that person for the rest of my life. I can see how it would be... Now I know it can work... The question mark is gone. Of course it doesn't mean that it is a given and that it will be for sure. Because you still have to work for it. But it means I understand what my mum meant. Yes I am trully in love now, like I have never been before...
The paradox of it all is that the feelings are so strong and they are mutual yet the relationship feels like such a fragile balance... It is strong yet fragile, simple yet delicate, obvious yet challenging...